Could your earliest memories be the key to unlocking your potential

The bedrock of psychotherapy is the influence of early-life events on our thoughts and behaviour as adults, and for good reason. However for most of us our early memories are just mundane circumstances we remember but never think much about.

For example, looking back at your life you might remember playing with your parents on your second birthday; then perhaps one of staring at swirls in a carpet pattern sometime later, another memory comes a year after that; of playing with a worm in the garden with the sun on your back. What is interesting is that although many of these early memories seem insignificant, they are perhaps some of the most important influences on our lives. Indeed, why remember them at all?

For instance, for most of his life all Mark could remember about one of his earliest memories was being about six years old and in the back garden, with his dad trying to fix Mark’s bicycle.

Like most people, Mark never thought much about it; however, when asked for more detail, other information surfaced and an impression emerged which pointed to a deeper significance to this memory.

Mark remembered that although his dad was trying to fix his bicycle, his Dad didn't really know how to do it, added to this, Mark was reluctant to show him in case his Dad felt humiliated. So Mark kept quiet in the hope his Dad would eventually work it out by himself and then Mark could have his bike back, and belong with his Dad. His Dad never did work it out.

The conclusion Mark made from his memory was that from this point Mark would refrained from ever showing his true potential, and accepting failure as a way to ensure belonging. He didn't remember thinking these actual thoughts at the time, but looking back he could see that this was the summary of what he felt.

It doesn’t matter that Mark is obviously no longer in this situation and that this was all a long time ago because it set a precedence; it was a ‘Life Situation’. A Life Situation is a set of circumstances that sets a precedent for future events and behaviours, regardless of the context and relevancy.

This means that Mark's interpretation of what took place went on to influence all aspects of his future life. Looking back, Mark could now see his life as a series of regrets and missed opportunities because of all the occasions where he avoided the opportunity to succeed both at work and in his personal life.

Of course it’s possible to develop harmless or positive thoughts from early memories, however, in most cases we tend to develop highly influential, and often dysfunctional thoughts from them, leading to the formation of a generalised template from which we interpret future experiences; from this example, Mark would go on to view himself as a failure (because he knew he was far more capable than he allowed himself to be) and saw people as a burden (because he has to put up with less-capable bosses, co-workers, friends etc). Whenever Mark found himself in new circumstances/opportunities he would unawarely use this template as a point of reference for how to behave.

So, seemingly unimportant memories like staring at swirls on a carpet can have greater significance behind them. For instance, a child may be losing themselves while looking at carpet swirls because their parents are rowing in another room; a situation that happened a lot at the time. And yet, the individual may grow up simply remembering the time spent staring at the swirls, however, unawarely there will be a lot of (often, unpleasant) thoughts attached to that simple memory.

You will already know what your earliest memories are, but if not notice when you say things like, “I don’t know why but I always seem to remember this time when…” or “This memory has always stuck in my head when…” or "It's funny that I always think of…" Or words to this effect.

The secret to then finding out more of the thoughts that are connected to a memory is to ask questions. Although it may seem like we question our lives all the time, like “Why did that happen?” or “Why does Mary make me react in that way?” in truth, most people only ask themselves very superficial questions which often leads to only very superficial responses: “It just did”, “That’s just Mary being Mary”, “That’s just who I am”. Or, if an answer doesn’t come, we give up and turn our attention to something else (our phone, the next meal etc…). But… with a little more effort, deeper answers will start to come.

To increase your awareness, ask questions about the circumstances of your memories; how you felt at the time, what thoughts were there, what impressions you have now, and whether/how these things are connected. Ask: Who was there? How old was I? How was I dressed? Do the(se) facts add up? Are the circumstances logical? What was I doing before? What did I do after? What do I now know of what was going on in life at the time? Do I have an impression of that time, one that I can’t make sense of? and Can I now find words to try and define this impression?

Don't give up if the answers do not immediately come! Keep going! If you’re struggling ask a friend to listen to you tell them all that you remember about a memory and allow them to ask you questions about it. See where this takes you.

Mark works for a public company but , thanks to seeing these thoughts, he now manages the large team he once just worked within. After his promotion he overheard a colleague say about him, "At last! Someone who knows what they're doing".