'I Can't Stand That Guy'

Why do we like some people and dislike others? Is it because the people we like are nice? And the people we don’t like are not? If so, why is it that there are people (who we respect) who like the people that we don’t?

If I respect my friend, why don’t I like the people he or she is talking to? Is it because I have uniquely good taste (and the friend I respect can’t see clearly in this moment)? Surely this would (illogically) mean that everyone has uniquely good taste in friends, as no one wants to accept that they have poor judgment. There must be something other than our ‘pure’ judgment – no matter how much we would like to think otherwise – that determines who we like and who we don’t. Our perception must be based on something else.

One of the reasons why people like or dislike each other is because, like it or not, we have something in common with each other – yes, this includes the people we dislike. The notion that we have something in common with the people we dislike may fill us with horror, but that doesn't mean it isn't true.

Trey and Sarah work in the same office and both have the Purpose ‘I want to impress’. However, underlying their wanting to impress is a generalised thought that they share which is shameful to each of them; it is, 'I am worthless’. Why they have this thought, we won’t be looking into in this blog, but for now simply recognise that people who think shameful thoughts like ‘I am worthless’ want to cover this up in some way.

Trey and Sarah share the same shameful thought but the way they each cover it up – by achieving the Purpose ‘I want to impress’– is very different. Trey is very competitive and likes to achieve clear results (a good cover for being worthless), he also usually dresses in a scruffy way. Sarah is smart looking (her effective cover for being worthless) but is happy to just appear to get results (in fact, getting results doesn’t matter to her as much as looking the part). Trey ‘impresses’ by being successful and appearing laid-back. Sarah ‘impresses’ by looking and seeming to be successful. Trey thinks Sarah is an uptight fake and Sarah thinks Trey is a scruffy control freak.

So, although they have thoughts in common, they hate each other because their individual ways of covering up their issues/problems/shameful thoughts irritates the other. Especially as each person thinks the other’s cover is transparent; 'she's such a phony, it's obvious her CV is made up' says Trey. And Sarah 'Oh man, look at the way he dresses…eew…such a loser!'.

This is nearly always true of the people we dislike – including you and the people you dislike.

You may want to pause a moment and take in that last paragraph again… it can be convenient to forget this.

Why dislike someone?

If we don’t like the way they live, then the worst we would think is that we disapprove of how they live; but to literally dislike someone means something is personal. They’ve never done anything to us so why do we dislike them!?

What’s ‘personal’ is that we have shameful thoughts that are similar to theirs, and what irks us is the way the other person covers it up – because it’s not how we would. We all tend to think that the way we do things is the right way and, in this context, we view the way that others cover up the same shame as ours is transparent and looks fake. This subsequently provokes our irritation and even our anger!

When it comes to the people we like, it’s easy to see that we have thoughts in common. The clincher here, that determines that we like them, is that we approve of the way in which these people behave because it is similar to, or compliments how we behave.

People who we don’t have thinking in common with, we hardly ever think about and barely even notice.

Our opinions of celebrities are a good example of this phenomenon because for most of us they are people we hear a lot about but don’t know personally. Have you noticed that there are some celebrities you like and some you don’t, and that you are often drawn to reading about them (to like or dislike)? And while this is going on, there are numerous celebrities you don’t think about at all. The ones we like, we have some thinking in common with and we approve of the way they go about their lives. The ones we don’t like, we equally have thinking in common with, but we disapprove of how they live their lives; they are not ‘right’. Though, if you were to closely examine the justification for your argument, you would find it tenuous.

And what about the celebrities we don’t think about at all? Well, we have no or very little thinking in common with them, that’s why we don’t think about them.

In summary, it’s obvious that if someone punches you in the mouth you have an objective reason to dislike them. However, most of the people we dislike have never done anything remotely like this to justify our contempt for them.

It is useful, therefore, to see that despite us thinking our opinions of other people are objective, it is usually only because we unawarely have thinking in common with them that draws us to them, be it negatively or positively.

Next time you find yourself badmouthing someone, give them a break, they're just like you (in ways you’d rather not think about).

Law of Thinking No 8 The Affinities Law

Definition - A strong lasting feeling towards an element of somebody else's thinking is an indication of the presence of the same, or a very similar element / affinity in the observer's mind.