I Don't Believe It!

Do you find that no matter how much you regret certain behaviour, you are unable to stop yourself when the situation reccurs? The same events come and go without you being able to make a change.

When this happens do you notice yourself thinking or saying sentences that begin something like 'one minute I'm fine, the next...' or 'I just find myself...' or 'before I knew it...'. It could be argued this gives an impression of the circumstances happening too quickly which is ok if it were a one-off event, but if it is a repeated occurrence this soon becomes a weak excuse. One of the main reasons why we find it hard to change our behaviour is because our thinking is too fast and not the circumstances.

When an opportunity to change a repeated pattern arises, our thinking moves from one thought to another too quickly to take the opportunity to break some dysfunctional part of our lives whether it be, arguing with a partner or wasting time chatting with workmates or stuffing ourselves with chocolate

A good metaphor for this situation is that of a Juggernaut (big articulated lorry) hurtling down the motorway fast lane. The lorry is on the fast lane because that is its usual 'route', and as the turning off the motorway appears the Juggernaut is going too fast to change lanes and take the turn off, with only time to glance to the side as the junction flashes by.

This is what is happening with our thinking, the junction is the opportunity for change but we (our thoughts) are going too fast to alter our usual course.

Ellie and her younger sister Jane share a flat. Ellie is working, and Jane is a recent graduate looking for a job. When Ellie comes home after work they often argue. Both feel remorseful after they row and really wish it didn't happen but can't seem to stop themselves. The catalyst for their rowing is often because Ellie thinks Jane isn't doing enough to get a full time job. However Elle recognises that as kids they used to argue needlessly and thinks this may just be a Complex they have. Knowing this however hasn't helped.

In order to change this pattern of thinking/behaviour Ellie needs to slow down her thinking when the occasions they would normally argue arise to give herself time to alter course. Like the Juggernaut, Ellie needs to slow down enough to anticipate the junction approaching, change gear, change lanes and pull off onto the slip road. Ellie needs to prepare her thinking for the moment when she thinks she will next see her sister at home. However she can't simply say to herself 'this is how I want it to go' and expect this to work,

What she needs to do is Foreburn. Foreburning is a kind of programming, where you imagine (as though you were there) exactly what you will think/do as each moment of the event takes place. For it to work you need to do it frequently and repetitively. For Ellie this means finding (many) occasions during the day to think about the evening to come. So Ellie imagines leaving work and rather than lose herself in a newspaper she imagines herself just relaxing and thinking about arriving home calm. She imagines herself putting the key in the lock and how she wants to slow her thinking down as she gets a little rush of adrenalin anticipating her sister being there. She imagines putting her coat and things down and calling out to Jane to see if she's there, all the time relaxing her mind and body. She imagines Jane saying/doing something that would normally annoy Ellie, like leaving her clothes strewn around the flat, but this time letting go of these thoughts. She imagines chatting to Jane about their day while remaining in the same state of mind she planned. In other words a 'limp' state of mind for every moment of the evening is prepared in advance so that she is free to choose a different course of action, which might result in a more positive outcome.

Ellie doesn't worry about how things will turns out, only that she does this and facilitates the opportunity for change, and, as it happens, Jane noticed this difference and the two of them had a conversation that led (from then on) to a much improved relationship.

This is something anyone can do. Foreburning works, and if it doesn’t for you there is a reason why. Perhaps you didn’t Foreburn frequently or repetitively enough, or the impression of your Foreburn was that of failing: ‘I'll do it but it probably won’t work’.

If done correctly Foreburns always work, and without using them to slow down our thinking, we have little chance of changing anything.

So the question is do you want to change that 'problem' you have, or continue being part of a loop that makes you a victim of your own life. Foreburning gives you that opportunity.